


growing pains

by Glassea



Category: Batman - All Media Types, Batman: Under the Red Hood (2010)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Crack, Gen, Humor, Lazarus Pit Madness, Out of Character, Puberty, kind of but not really, this one's for kesh (blows kiss)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-05
Updated: 2021-01-05
Packaged: 2021-03-16 01:34:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,113
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28573851
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Glassea/pseuds/Glassea
Summary: AU in which Jason looks at his Lazarus Pit side effects, gives them a Real Good Think, and decides they can be attributed to puberty.He's not exactly...wrong.
Comments: 21
Kudos: 102





	growing pains

**Author's Note:**

> i have no idea how i came up with this but i wrote it in like 30 minutes so y'all can and should shame me
> 
> no one is in character. not a single character. thank you for coming to my TED talk

Jason wakes up angry. His anger feels... different, from how it did Before. To himself he might describe it as “greener”. But that makes absolutely no sense, so he’d never describe it that way to someone else.

Jason wakes up older. He has no memory of when his voice starting cracking, but it does that now, because his life is terrible.

He’s confused and traumatized. It shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone when Jason takes his known values - that he is angrier, that he is older, that he was dead and brought back to sentience using the Lazarus Pit - and connects two of them in a way that's wrong. We may know that Jason's anger comes from being dropped in a glowing pool of green goo that is not recommended by 90% of dermatologists. In another world, Jason knows that too.

This is not that world.

Here’s the thing: when Jason died, he was fourteen. He’d been malnourished for most of his life, and a few years living with Bruce couldn’t change almost a decade of neglect. He was small, and scrawny, and was often thought to be several years younger than he actually was. What this goes to say is: Jason Todd hadn’t really hit puberty before he died.

You can say this is a sad thing, that he died so young. But you can also see it as a hilarious thing, because in this world, that’s what it is.

* * *

When he sees the picture of the new Robin, that the Joker is still alive, Jason really, truly considers that Talia might be right about the Lazarus Pit Rage. He’s furious, more angry than he’s ever been. This anger feels radioactive. He doesn’t even notice clenching his fists so tightly that his fingernails cut into his palms.

Then a voice that sounds disturbingly like Leslie pops into his head and tells him to start thinking rationally.

Should he be this angry about a newspaper headline? (Jason shoves down the green anger and tries to think calming thoughts.) Probably not. Like, yeah, it really hurts that Bruce obviously didn’t care about him, but. He shouldn’t be inarticulate with rage right now.

So why is he?

His mom, the one who raised him - Jason remembers early on how she’d told him about PMS. What it meant for her, and how she’d do her best to keep herself rational. She was mostly successful, too, but Jason remembers this one time she absolutely eviscerated a man in the corner store for the terrible crime of taking the last orange Fanta. (It actually was a terrible crime, because the only other option had been grape Fanta, which is disgusting.)

(And then she’d turned to drugs and PMS became less of an issue.)

Anyways! Jason knows hormones are, like, a Thing, and they can impact your mood. He also knows he’s older than he was, and that Vegetable!Jason was yeeted straight into a glowing green hot tub. Weird Lazarus Pit reactions, plus hormones? A big F for Jason’s emotional control. He’ll get there, though.

...maybe pre-menstrual syndrome isn’t the best description for this. But Pit Mind Shenanigans really captures the chaotic energy of the whole mess.

* * *

Jason peers closely at himself in the mirror. He’s pretty sure his eyes used to be blue. They’re green now, and vaguely disturbing with how bright they are.

He thinks back to seventh grade health class.

“You may notice some changes in your body,” he muses to himself, continuing a staring contest with his own reflection. After a moment, he gives a decisive nod.

They didn’t mention color-changing eyes in health class, but he _died_ and _came back to life_. His development is probably going to be a little bit different from the average. Lazarus Pitberty, as he’s come to call it, sure is wild.

* * *

One thing Ra’s al Ghul has noticed over the years is that every time he uses the Lazarus Pit, his reflexes come out a little sharper. It wears off after a few years, but for that time, it is highly noticeable.

Talia tells Jason this as she escorts him to a training room where he expects to get the absolute shit beat out of him. _Is this her idea of a pep talk?_ Jason wonders.

He only gets most of the shit beat out of him, so maybe there’s something to it. Back in his Room That Is Definitely Not A Cell, Jason considers this for a moment - but Talia’s been wrong before. The Lazarus Pit Rage that she keeps talking about? Yeah, Jason’s like 95% sure that's just hormones. Besides, he remembers feeling super gangly as Robin, like he didn’t fit into his own skin. Part of growing up, Bruce had said.

Lazarus Pit reflexes? Nah. Jason’s just taller now, is all. This isn’t even Pitberty.

* * *

“Don’t you want to kill the Batman?” Talia purrs.

Jason stares at her.

“For leaving the Joker alive,” Talia continues. “For replacing you. For letting you die.”

“Well,” Jason says, “I think he deserves a punch or two. Or three. Or four. But murder seems like an overreaction.”

"Don't you feel the rage?" Talia asks, looking slightly desperate. "Doesn't it drive you?"

“I mean, it’s just PMS,” Jason says bemusedly.

Now Talia’s the one staring at him. There’s a deeply uncomfortable pause.

“I’m sorry, it’s _what_?”

* * *

So Jason doesn’t try to capture the Joker, or take over Gotham’s crime scene, or lure Batman into a trap where he has to choose between the two of them. Does he think about it? Yes. Yes he does. But that’s just the PMS talking.

What he does do is the following:

  1. Sneak into the Batcave.
  2. Loop the security cameras and disarm the intruder detection.
  3. Take a handy-dandy crowbar to his memorial case, because: 
    1. The thing is creepy. Why couldn’t he just have a photo or something like a normal person? Except the man dresses up as a bat and fights crime because he never learned a single healthy coping mechanism so maybe it makes sense.
    2. Using a crowbar is a big middle finger to the Joker and Jason’s honestly into that.
  4. Wait undetected thanks to his Assassin Training™.
  5. Drop on top of Bruce and get in a few good punches while the guy is distracted by the destroyed memorial case.
  6. Try, and almost succeed, at convincing Bruce that Jason is the Ghost Of Christmas Past by speaking exclusively in a East London accent.



Dick comes in and ruins the whole charade, but whatever.

* * *

“What happened to you, Jason?” Bruce asks when they’re all done crying manly tears.

Jason clears his throat and wills his voice not to crack. “Puberty, I think.”


End file.
